#48 Ground Zero

This may be one of the hardest blogs I’ve ever had to write. I wasn’t even sure if I’d actually write one this month, or ever again for that matter. Life has a way of pulling the rug out from under you when you least expect it. And it did it to me just a few weeks ago. I was hit with some news that practically paralyzed me. Stunned and unable to speak, I was immediately cast into a void of emptiness that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. You know, one of those times when you want to shake your head thinking it’s just a dream and you’ll wake up with a sigh of relief realizing that’s exactly what it was.

All of a sudden my life seemed meaningless. I could focus on nothing but what I had just encountered. A literal flood of emotions came forth. And naturally under such circumstances, all negative. Total disbelief, denial, fear, anger, sorrow and some I have no words for. I could hardly walk and when I did everything was numb. My bodily functions ceased to exist. My world, the world I thought I knew, was no more. This was real and I had to face it.

What I was left with was a seemingly endless amount of time and the elusive answer to the question, why. The reason that I initially heard seemed weak and porous. Something that was so important to me right now was lacking. That being a truthful answer. Without that, this experience seemed a bottomless pit, and I was falling fast.

When we encounter such personal and emotional trauma it’s like a disease or a deep wound to the body and self-preservation and healing are a part of the natural response. I actually felt my physical body go into shock and felt its paralyzing effects immediately. Fight or flight is almost always our first reaction as the shock waves seem to blind clear thinking for a way out of this.

For me there was no immediate answer. I seemed to be in a holding cell of a timeless vacuum just letting each inhalation and exhalation settle me down to assess and put this together in some semblance that I could digest. I never felt so alone and empty to deal with this life altering moment. What did I do so wrong to deserve this? Where is the rewind button to go back to just prior? Maybe I could do something to prevent it? Just how am I supposed to handle this? I was quickly becoming an island unto myself with a storm of unanswered questions on all sides of me.

Within a few days notified family members were shocked and speechless with the same comments of it not making much sense. It didn’t seem right. Again, that elusive why was making its presents known. I had to have more clarity if I was to survive this with my sanity intact. I chose the only place to go that I knew I was safe, and that was within.

My saving grace was my knowing that I was first and foremost a spiritual being and as such was having this human experience. So, I had to handle this from two fronts. The human/emotional front that was demanding answers and healing for my damaged heart, and from the spiritual front knowing that this experience that was seemingly being directed at “me” the physical was more for the essence of me as the observer/spirit as an opportunity to choose a more loving response.

Now I realize that the “why” of all this matters only to the ego part of us which is in place to protect us from anything that spikes a negative reaction or could potentially take us out of the “norm”. But if you can put yourself in spirit mode in times of trauma or distress it’s like first sinking into deep water and then coming up to the surface for a breath of air. Thankfully I was able to do that after a few days but I’m still in the physical as well, and my pain sure seemed real enough and needed attention. It’s a constant balance in perception as we have to be in the world yet not of it. Emotions that are in our face need to be dealt with. Embraced, felt, forgiven and released. Running from them doesn’t work.

I’m not trying to sell this concept as an easy fix to personal traumatic experiences by any means. And I’m a far cry from being totally healed right now, but it has brought more of a calmness to my being, where a clarity of the” why” was able to be shown to me. Together with love and support of family and friends it can shorten the time element to wellness. Still however, the alone time is brutal. Think of it as walking on ground zero. You can’t see anything but destruction and mayhem all around. You don’t know where to go or what to do. But if you just somehow rise above it all you will be in a better position to see beyond it and decide which route out is best for you.

Life lessons, or should I say soul lessons can certainly come across as cruel to the point of being over the top, that’s for sure. And the only ones we seem to recognize are the ones that hurt, but they are a part of the growth and expansion of our very essence. So, we need to be able to look differently at these traumas that pop up in our lives and if you stand back far enough for the best view, you can ask, “what is all this showing or teaching me”? Chances are you’ll need to stop and really go deep with that question. But believe me, it’s important to address.

Every personal trauma is different and every individual experiences it differently as well. One thing for sure though, you will come out of it at some point. And if you can do your best to bring your spirit self into the equation by rising above ground zero, you will not only live through this storm, but come out of it stronger both mentally and spiritually than you’ve ever been before.